St. Patrick's Day (by Andy)

Well, it's time for an exciting fun insight column, kids! I thought that since St. Patrick's Day is here, I would write a little bit about the history of the holiday, and what it means to me.

As you may or may not know, I am part Irish. Note the red in the goatee, the high forehead, penchant for drinking, the loud, take-no-shit attitude, etc. Anyhow, because of this, St. Patrick's Day is a special holiday for myself and others in my family.

Few people these days know the history of St. Patrick's Day; they only know that you're supposed to wear green and get drunk. But only by learning history can the true meaning of the holiday be made clear to you. Saint Patrick was born in 1881 to Gregory and Martha Patrick, somewhere in Ireland. He was trained as a blacksmith at a young age, and became known as the best blacksmith in all of Ireland. He was also a mighty warrior; when he was 22 he traveled to Scotland and slew William Wallace (Despite what Mel Gibson would have you believe; this mis-portrayal of history in the movies is part of the reason St. Patrick's Day is not fully appreciated). However, the highlight of his career, and the reason he has is own holiday, was when he invented whiskey. On March 17th in 1906 he invented the drink, and imbibed a whole bunch of it, along with some corned beef and cabbage. He then proceeded to go into a drunken rage, and killed every snake in all of Ireland. The reason you wear green on St. Patrick's Day is in memory of those snakes. Me, I figure those slithery bastards got what they deserved, so I don't wear the green. Anyhow, St. Patrick went on to lead the Irish to victory in the Hundred Year's War and the Franco-Irish War. To this day he is remembered as the greatest man that ever lived.

So, every time St. Patrick's day comes around, tip your glass of Guinness to the man, the genius, the hero, St. Patrick. Drink up, crank some old House of Pain CDs and take the back way on your trip home to avoid the Sobriety checkpoints along the major roads. Don't feel obligated to wear green, either; just appreciate the whiskey, corned beef, and absence of snakes. Happy holidays, everyone!

-Andy