Andy: Today's topic, sugar. A common household sweetener, or devious poison? Let's start with you, mike.
Mike: I LIKE SUGAR
Andy: Ok.... um, Casey?
Mike: sometimes I wonder why sugar is so good
Mike: I do not know
Andy: Shut up, it's Casey's turn.
Mike: :-(
Andy: You don't know shit about sugar. Bitch.
Casey: well you see, sugar has an interesting journey from the cane to your dinner table
Andy: Tell us more!
Casey: first the juice is pressed and then strained, and a small amount of lime is added to form precipitates out of the larger impurities
Mike: oh no! I have been eating poison!
Andy: Interesting. How does this lime add to or take away from sugar's nutritious qualities?
Casey: you see, I'm sure the most nutritious part of the sugar is actually in the cane itself, whereas the sugar, dextrose if you will, is only a simple chemical with hardly any nutritious implications aside from calories....once boiled for concentrations, the now brownish goo has regular sugar added to cause a crystallization, then the mix is spun in a centrifuge to separate the two
Andy: So, any redeeming nutrients are, in fact, REMOVED from the sugar in this process?
Casey: not entirely my friend, the crystals are 99.05% pure sucrose, however, they are coated in the syrup and impurities to add flavor
Mike: can we eat the sugar yet?
Mike: it's just sitting there in the cup
Andy: Well, Mike, if you eat the sugar, it's just going to be empty calories. Do you really want that?
Mike: it will make me happy
Andy: It'll rot your teeth.
Casey: actually, that is false
Mike: rotted teeth = happiness?
Andy: Only if you're a Saigon whore, Mike. Only if you're a Saigon whore.
Andy: Ok, now that we've covered the nutrient aspects of sugar, let's go on to taste. Casey?
Casey: you see, the sugar itself feeds bacteria that rot your teeth, but you could eat pure sugar for months without having so much as a toothache. You see, its other chemicals, such as starch that cause the sugar to adhere to your teeth, allowing bacteria to utilize the sugar
Casey: but yes, onto the taste
Andy: Do you like sugar?
Andy: Does it make your mouth happy or sad?
Mike: I like sugar
Mike: I already told you!
Andy: I'm asking Casey. You'll get your turn, sugar boy.
Casey: it indeed is delicious
Casey: the byproduct of sugar, that thick brown goo, or molasses is also very flavorful
Andy: Yeah, but only if you live in the South.
Casey: high in minerals and in bug parts, it is the most nutritious part
Andy: Yes, but why not just eat the bug parts? That's what I'm trying to say.
Casey: quite...fruit sugar is also a marvelous thing, making all fruits sweet to the taste... this is laevulose, which they can make chemically by inverting one of the carbon rings
Mike: I don't think anything you say will deter him from spewing facts
Casey: you see the syrup has one final wonderful quality, bug parts and all
Andy: Damnation. We're not talking about fruit! We're talking about ordinary table sugar!
Casey: it is used to make rum and pure alcohol
Andy: Mike, talk about sugar more. Your inane banter will be a welcome relief from this scientific nonsense.
Mike: Andy, can we eat the sugar yet?
Andy: Yes. Eat the sugar.
Mike: I changed my mind
Mike: I don't like sugar
Andy: I hate my life.
Mike: Do you like sugar, though?
Andy: No. Sugar only adds empty calories to my hardened, black, withered soul.
Casey: beets are also used to make table sugar
Casey: isn't that an interesting tid bit
Mike: You should try chicken soup for the soul!
Andy: I hate beets.
Mike: It has protein!
Casey: and more empty calories, mike, when will your learn
Andy: I've got some chicken soup for your kidneys right here.
Mike: Sometimes in class, I draw pictures of the teacher
Mike: What a fathead
Mike: Haha
Andy: Is she eating sugar in the pictures?
Mike: Who?
Andy: Your teacher.
Mike: I don't know if she likes sugar
Andy: THEN WE DON'T CARE.
Casey: sugar can be used to top everything from whale blubber to frosted flakes, and is best used liberally. candy and caramel are also made from sugar
Andy: You eat a lot of whale blubber, Casey?
Casey: are you calling me an eskimo?
Andy: Frankly, Casey, I don't believe in eskimos.
Mike: Doesn't that imply you've been lying about everything else all along?
Mike: ...because of... frankly...
Casey: don't oppress my people
Andy: Have you ever seen an eskimo, Casey?
Andy: HAVE YOU!?!?!?!??!?!!!?!!!11111
Casey: well...no
Andy: HA! SO THERE!
Andy: They're not real.
Casey: on PBS once
Andy: Oh, yeah, like everything on PBS is real...
Mike: Therefore, if eskimos do not exist, sugar does not exist.
Andy: You're wrong, Mike.
Andy: I'm not even going to explain why. You're just wrong.
Casey: big bird isn't real?
Andy: No, he's not. He's fucking dead.
Andy: I killed big bird with a shotgun out on the back 40.
Casey: oh god no!
Andy: Yep. He was tasty, too.
Casey: did you top him with sugar?
Andy: I used a honey glaze. Is that close?
Casey: wait, we have to give sugar a numerical rating
Andy: We will when we get there.
Casey: because everything has a numerical rating, even eskimos
Casey: we should also rate eskimoes
Andy: Their rating is 0 because they don't exist. You still haven't answered my question about the honey glaze.
Casey: quite frankly, no, honey is not close to sugar
Andy: Now, are you saying that because it is made differently, or because of its chemical makeup?
Casey: its made of bee saliva and acts as a natural moistener in baked goods, its nothing like sugar other than its sweet and sugar like
Mike has left the room.
Andy: I think it was probably the "sugar like" part that threw me.
Andy: Where did Mike go?
Casey: he O.D.'d on the sugar
Andy: Oh no!
Casey: oh yes!
Andy: I knew that stuff was bad news! Damn you, sugar!!!!
Casey: DAMN YOU SUGAR, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
Andy: WHY!?!??!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?!
Andy: Ok, final rating:
Casey: 11.3?
Andy: On the plus side, sugar is sweet and tasty. On the downside, it killed Mike.

Andy: Sugar gets a 5.
Casey: ok
Andy: Tune in next time folks.
Andy: Casey, go ahead and save the file. It doesn't work when I do it.
Casey: ok
Andy: Badical.