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Tapper! Right, so this feature was suggested on the forum by SpiffyGerbil, and I liked the idea. I'm going to be doing classic video game reviews. We'll see how this one turns out, and then I may or may not do it again at some point. Tapper was originally released in the arcades in 1983. The basic concept of the game is that you're a bartender with a greasy handlebar mustache that has to throw beer at patrons to keep them from killing you. The game was sponsored by Budweiser and prominently featured the Bud logo plastered all over the game. The next year they released "Root Beer Tapper" which was the exact same game, but with the Bud logos gone to appease all the whiny bitches out there. I never actually played the arcade version; I had it at home on my Atari. In the version I played, there were Mountain Dew logos instead of beer logos. Not sure why; it's not like Atari had any sort of moral standards they held their games up to. Those of you who've seen Custer's Revenge know what I'm talking about. Compared to a naked General Custer with a two foot erection raping an Indian girl tied to a cactus, chucking a couple beers to your patrons seems pretty tame. But I digress. 
The graphics on the Atari version were much, much shittier, but I couldn't find any screenshots. Such is life. I guess you'll just have to use the power of imagination. The gameplay in tapper was pretty simple. Drunken Assholes would come out of the little doors and walk along the bar, gradually moving closer to you. If you threw a beer at them, they would move a set distance back towards the door. If you managed to push them out the door, they would leave. If they made it to the end of the bar, they would kill you. If you threw them a beer, but didn't push them all the way out the door, they would chug the beer and throw the glass back. You'd have to catch the glass. If you didn't, it would fall off the bar, and the broken glass would kill you. Bartending is a very dangerous profession. Also, if you threw a beer along an empty bar, it would fall off the other end, break, and kill you. Games were a lot harder back in the day. Tapper featured four levels. The first one was a cowboy bar, where cowboys would come down the bar and kill you, because there's nothing a sober cowboy hates more than a greasy wop. The second level, pictured above, featured asshole jocks killing our hero. The third level was a gloomy goth club or something, and in the fourth level you served aliens. There was a spaceship in the background, and you had to serve the aliens beer so they'd get drunk and forget to vaporize the planet. Of course, if you didn't get them drunk, they'd remember they hate greasy wop bartenders and kill you. I tried really hard (for like 5 minutes) to find screenshots, but apparently no screenshots of the last two levels exist. So instead, I put together this artist's rendering of what the final two levels looked like: 
So, yeah. That's the last two levels. Just put the Italian guy in there and you're set. Tapper also had a pretty rad bonus level that you would play in between each stage. This total dickhole would shake up all the beers except for one, then switch them all around and make you pick one. If you got it right, you got to celebrate with a cool, refreshing beer. If you got it wrong, the beer blew up in your face, killing you instantly. 
Look at that little bastard. I don't think I've ever seen such an evil grin in my life. It's like he's the fucking Hamburglar or something. That's Tapper in a nutshell. I can't remember if I ever beat it or not. It was probably one of those games that just started over when you got to the end. Or maybe I just never managed to beat the God Damn Aliens. Either way, Tapper was a great game for any aspiring alcoholic. If you can find a copy, play this sum'bitch. Final Ratings:
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