Andy: Today's topic is famed singer Tom Jones.
Andy: First, let's discuss fashion. Casey?
Casey: well, he has a definate las vegas lounge act look to him
Casey: bonus points there
Andy: Do you think those pants are real polyester?
Casey: why whould the real tom jones settle for less?
Andy: Indeed. He is a true class act. Any thoughts Mike?
Mike: Tom Jones is a great guy
Mike: he used to loan me his bicycle in 3rd grade
Andy: That was nice of him.
Mike: he copied off me during an English test once, though
Andy: Ah ha! The truth is revealed!
Andy: So, behind that charming smile lurks something far more sinister....
Casey: he also wears tight pants to reveal his manhood to the ladies
Andy: I heard he's hung like a racehorse.
Casey: as have i
Mike: wait, are we talking about Tom Jones from Albuquerque?
Andy: No.
Mike: nevermind, then
Andy: Okeydoke. We'll just keep talking about his cock.
Casey: right-o
Andy: If two people have heard he has a big cock, it must be true.
Casey: i wonder if he stuffs
Mike: naw, I doubt he's even an A cup
Andy: Probably not. A guy with a name like "Jones" ought to have a big cock naturally.
Casey: dana carvey even said it was huge in his special
Andy: Dana Carvey never lies. So it's decided!
Casey: "it was tom and his jones, it sang a song"
Andy: Now, we talk about his music.
Andy: What a perfect segue
Mike: he sings?
Casey: yes
Casey: he is a singer
Andy: A very good one at that.
Andy: What's that big hit song of his?
Casey: "its not unusual to be loved by anyone"
Andy: Yes, that's it! I love that song.
Casey: yes
Andy: It's not unusual to have fun with anyone...
Andy: doo doo doowop do bop skiddleybeebop... yeah!
Casey: he also sings the song that graces the wonderful porn video i downloaded and showed you guys
Andy: Yes.
Casey: sex bomb
Andy: "Sex Bomb"
Andy: Another great song.
Andy: And a great porno to go with it.
Andy: He definitely gets points for that.
Casey: yes
Casey: a winner and true american all around
Andy: What do you think of that porno, mike?
Mike: I wouldn't classify it as porno.
Andy: Good point.
Casey: yes, its more of a softcore musical fantasy
Andy: Indeed.
Mike: kind of like Disneyland
Mike: err, without the soft cores
Andy: The music makes the video; it gives the viewer an erection despite the lack of penetration
Casey: yes
Casey: although her eyes get me in the intro
Andy: That too.
Andy: But back to Tom Jones.
Casey: alright
Andy: Did either of you guys see that "Mars Attacks" movie?
Casey: yes
Mike: no
Casey: tom jones is a hero
Andy: He was in that.
Andy: Didn't he kill a bunch of the aliens and stuff?
Casey: possibly, i believe he was the one who flew the plane
Casey: and then sang his song after the aliens died
Andy: That's right! And then he was like "BOOYAH! I'M TOM JONES, THE BADASSED AIRPLANE-FLYING MUTHAFUCKA!!!"
Andy: And he set off the napalm and killed the Predator.
Andy: It was fuckin' rad.
Casey: yes
Mike: no, that was you after two fifths of Jack Daniels
Andy: I set off the napalm and killed the Predator?
Casey: oh, yeah, you were drunk andy
Andy: AWESOME.
Casey: yes
Andy: Did I sing a Tom Jones song afterwards?
Casey: you kept calling yourself the big jones
Andy: That explains the confusion.
Mike: yes, but it hardly did Tom justice
Casey: agreed
Andy: Naturally. Nobody sings Tom Jones songs like Tom Jones.
Casey: also true
Mike: in all honesty, I've never heard him sing
Andy: You've heard that "Sex Bomb" song.
Casey: i believe women go crazy for him
Mike: I don't recall any words, though
Andy: Oh.
Andy: Well, women go crazy for him. Let's run with that.
Casey: he is a 70's sex god
Andy: I hear that when he's in Vegas they throw underwear at him.
Casey: yes
Andy: WOMEN'S underwear.
Casey: old women eveywhere want to sex him up
Casey: i bet my mom is masturbating to him right now
Andy: AWESOME.
Casey: you just like the thought of my mom masturbating
Andy: No, I've seen that enough times already.
Casey: true
Andy: I like the thought of Tom Jones being masturbated to.
Andy: That came out wrong.
Casey: no, i think you meant that exactly how you said it
Andy: Yeah, but I meant it in the most heterosexual way possible.
Mike: and on a scale of one to ten, what is the maximum possible heterosexuality of the comment?
Andy: I'm going to say 10 just to cover my own ass.
Mike: in more senses than one
Andy: Indeed. HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAH AHAHHAHAA
Andy: Anyway, in summation:
Andy: Tom Jones has a big cock.
Andy: We like his music.
Andy: He kicked ass in "Mars Attacks"
Andy: Ladies love him.
Andy: Oh yeah, and he's a snazzy dresser too.
Andy: What are your final scores for Tom Jones?
Mike: I'd have to go with a 57
Mike: wait, make that a 4
Casey: 1 would say over a 4 but no more than 100,000
Andy: I gave him a million and 9.
Andy: So, final total score:

Mike: looks like an eight
Casey: alright
Andy: That's all for this time. See you folks next time on BADICAL EXTREME... The Reviews!!